MOSCOW/MAR-A-LAGO, 3:00 AM EST—The late-night hotline, rumored to be gold-plated and monitored only by a retired moose, crackled to life this morning as Vladimir Putin rang Donald Trump to discuss the latest, highly serious-sounding peace proposal emerging from Brussels.
"Donald, my friend, did you see this plan?" Putin’s voice boomed, layered with theatrical astonishment. "Twenty-eight points! That’s not a peace plan, that is an IKEA instruction manual for a truly unstable flat-pack government! We only need two points: My territory. Their surrender. Maximum of three."
A gust of laughter, likely generated by the sheer excellence of the joke, came across the Atlantic. "Vlad, it’s beautiful, isn’t it? The best plan. The most complicated. It’s got so many points, it looks like a cheap steak knife. My plan? My plan is one phone call—one simple, tremendous deal, and it’s over. Quickest deal ever made. The only thing they care about is item 11: 'Ukraine would be eligible to join the EU.' So what, they get to argue about olive oil standards in Kyiv instead of tanks?"
Putin chuckled darkly. "And the drama from my little comedian friend, Zelensky? I saw his video address. Same green shirt. Is this a uniform, or just the one shirt he has left? He said he faces a difficult choice between 'dignity' and 'losing a key partner.' Dignity! That’s rich coming from a man whose entire geopolitical strategy is a continuous, globally streamed pitch for more cash."
"A true performer," Trump agreed. "But listen, Vlad, the EU is the real punchline. They’re pledging $100 billion for reconstruction, but they have to coordinate it through sixteen subcommittees, a Latvian task force, and a feasibility study written in seven languages. They’ll accidentally buy €50 billion worth of artisanal cheese before a single shovel hits the ground. It’s a total disaster."
Putin sighed dramatically. "The bureaucracy is magnificent, truly. My favorite part is where they demand that Russia adopt education programs to discourage 'racial prejudice.' I believe they missed the memo: the goal is the opposite of European sensitivity training. We are not organizing a diversity workshop; we are organizing a border adjustment. And don’t forget the amnesty clause! We’re supposed to forgive war crimes. That’s adorable! Do they think this is a high school student council election?"
"It’s always about image," Trump mused. "They write 28 points of complicated nonsense so they look smart, but it’s just noise. When I make a deal, the whole thing fits on a cocktail napkin, and everyone agrees it was the best deal ever, maybe the best deal in the history of deals. They just need to give me a piece of the frozen Russian assets fund—say, 50% for my efforts—and I’ll make sure the whole thing is signed by Thanksgiving. They’ll have to like it."
"Of course, they will like it," Putin confirmed, the cynicism dripping from his voice. "Because the alternative is another 28-point plan from the Germans about energy efficiency. Let us allow them to continue proposing their grand, doomed fantasies, Donald. It keeps them busy, and it keeps the spotlight off the only real negotiating table: the battlefield."
The call ended with a shared, hearty, and deeply unsettling laugh, leaving the fate of Eastern Europe hanging somewhere between a twenty-eight-point manifesto and a cocktail napkin.