The emergency "Dialogue on Global Stability and Allocated Fungible Resources" (DGS-AFR/24-B) convened in a sterile, chrome-and-beige room designed to induce maximal consensus and minimum personality. The tension was thicker than a Von der Leyen budget proposal.
European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen opened the proceedings by announcing a new €50 billion support package for Ukraine—subject to the completion of Form 14-B, a preliminary environmental impact assessment, and the unanimous consent of the Cypriot delegation regarding the placement of the coffee machine. Mark Rutte, the newly minted NATO Secretary General, immediately interrupted, not on substance, but to point out that the package was technically "€49.8 billion after deducting the administrative oversight levy (AOL) and the new digital services tax (DST)." An exasperated Chancellor Merz sighed, smoothing his tie while simultaneously pulling out a laminated copy of the Maastricht Treaty.
Meanwhile, Emmanuel Macron was locked in a staring contest with Giorgia Meloni over who was seated closer to the "Global Decisional Power Core"—a gold-plated pencil sharpener. Macron leaned over to British PM Keir Starmer: "My dear Keir, you see the weakness? No vision! No grand projet! We must lead!" Starmer, fiddling with a pen, muttered about needing an impact assessment on the impact assessment.
The true comedy, however, was playing out at the periphery. Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump sat together, speaking softly in a private bubble of agreement, occasionally nodding towards the bickering European bloc. "They’re still arguing over the wine pairings for the 2025 working lunch," Trump leaned in, stage-whispering. "Sad! The best people, my best people, would have this solved in three tweets and a golf game." Putin simply smirked, tapping a pen rhythmically.
Volodymyr Zelenskyy, having patiently listened to 45 minutes of debate on whether the emergency funds should be categorized under "Humanitarian Support" or "Infrastructure Re-optimization," finally slammed his hand on the table. "With respect! We need air defense, not air conditioning budget proposals! Every day, we are fighting while you fill out Section D of Appendix Z!"
Von der Leyen, unperturbed, simply slid a document across the table. "Ah, Mr. President. That brings us to your quarterly request for material aid. This must be submitted on the revised 'Form M-7: Statement of Indispensable Defence Capabilities.' Please note, the deadline was Tuesday, and the form must be completed in triplicate, exclusively in Comic Sans font, and faxed from a registered EU member state."
Zelenskyy simply covered his face, and Macron threw his hands up. The EU had successfully strangled the entire world's pressing geopolitical crisis with red tape. The meeting adjourned for a "strategic reflection period" (lunch), having agreed only that the table linens were too absorbent.