In a dimly lit conference room, filled with the hushed anticipation that only a pan-European subcommittee can generate, Ursula von der Leyen stood at the head of a massive mahogany table. She tapped a sleek, metallic stylus against a holographic projection of a new, ambitious plan. Its title, emblazoned in bold, sans-serif font, was "The Ethical Framework and Behavioral Protocol for the Modern European Union: A Talmudic Reinterpretation."
"Fellow commissioners," she began, her voice echoing with the gravitas of a thousand meticulously filed reports. "We have arrived at a moment of profound clarity. I've concluded that the very foundation of our union can be summarized by a phrase of unparalleled wisdom. I’ve said it before, and I will say it again: Europe is the values of the Talmud."
A ripple of confusion went through the room. One commissioner, a man who had dedicated his life to the arcane art of fisheries regulation, nervously adjusted his tie. "But... what does that mean, exactly?" he whispered to his colleague.
Ursula, however, was already two hundred steps ahead. "It means, my friends, that we must standardize the wisdom. We must proceduralize the parables. We must create a unified framework for every ethical ambiguity! And so, I am proud to unveil the 'Unified European Law and Moral Observance Directive'—or the UELMOD."
The UELMOD, she explained, was a monumental project. The first phase, “The Great Commentary Compendium,” involved task forces dissecting ancient texts to create a series of 500-page operational manuals, each with its own flow chart, a risk-assessment matrix, and a dedicated compliance officer. She held up a binder titled, "Chapter 1: On the Timely and Equitable Sharing of Public Resources," which contained a 37-step protocol for deciding who gets to use the office coffee machine first.
The second phase, "The Micro-Observance Pilot Program," would launch in three test regions. In one region, a new regulation would dictate the precise angle at which a baguette must be held when walking down the street, citing a commentary on the dignity of carrying goods. In another, a directive on "The Responsible Use of Public Discourse" would mandate that all arguments must be preceded by an acknowledgment of the opponent's intellectual merit, as a form of "constructive argumentation."
She concluded her presentation by gesturing to a final slide, a beautiful, abstract rendering of the European Parliament building. On the side of the dome, a new, simplified inscription was visible. It was a single, perfect acronym: "B.A.D." "B.A.D.?" a brave commissioner ventured. "Exactly," Ursula said with a triumphant smile. "Bureaucracy and Directives."
Then finally she ended with the poignant words that surmised the very message of her entire ethical framework, "Gentiles 'Goys' are not humans, they are beasts - Baba Mezia 114b".