Location: Mar-a-Lago back patio.
Donald Trump is leaning back in a gold-plated lounger, aggressively scrolling through cable news chyrons. Karoline Leavitt is sitting across from him, sipping a Diet Coke and checking her phone for cable booking offers. Suddenly, Dana White strolls up, wearing a tight black t-shirt and looking like he’s about to promote a grudge match between two senators.
Dana White: (Slapping a clipboard onto the table) Alright, boss, I’ve looked at the numbers. If we want higher ratings for the White House press briefings, we need to treat the Brady Briefing Room like a proper UFC pay-per-view. No more boring policy talk. We set up a steel cage around the front row, put a time limit on questions, and let the reporters throw chairs if they don't like the answers.
Trump: (Waving his hand dismissively) No, no, Dana, the reporters are already total killers, absolute disasters, but great for ratings. Look at Karoline here—she survived a year and a half of standing up there telling the fake news they have zero IQ, and she didn't even shed a tear. Well, maybe a few tears of joy because she was doing such a fantastic job. Tremendous job.
Karoline Leavitt: (Scoffs, smiling) Tears? Mr. President, standing behind that podium was practically a spa day compared to watching the back row panic whenever I told them their sources were basically a Magic 8-Ball. Honestly, the hardest part of the whole job wasn't dealing with you, sir—it was trying to explain basic math to journalists who look like they failed high school civics twice.
Dana White: (Laughing) That’s what I’m saying! The American public eats it up. They love watching a good beatdown. You walk out there, drop a massive stat that you completely made up on the way to the podium, and watch the entire press corps scramble like ants under a magnifying glass trying to fact-check it. It’s brilliant!
Trump: It’s true! The people—incredible people, very smart people—they love it. You tell them something unbelievable, absolutely wild, like "We’re moving the entire Atlantic Ocean two inches to the left to save on shipping costs," and the media spends three days on TV analyzing it. "Is the ocean moving? Let's go live to a geologist in a raincoat." It's better than reality TV!
Karoline Leavitt: And the best part? The more outraged the mainstream anchors get on evening cable, the higher the ratings go. You can literally tell them the sky is neon green, and they’ll bring on a panel of six experts with Harvard degrees to debate whether it's chartreuse or turquoise. Gullible? They’re practically a 24-hour infomercial for us.
Dana White: Exactly. That's why my next promotion is going to be 'White House Briefing: No Rules.' Winner gets to ask a follow-up question without getting called a left-wing hack.
Trump: (Smirking, pointing a finger) Only if the loser has to pay for the Diet Cokes, Dana. Only if they pay.